drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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