she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
