Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
