I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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