And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
