New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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