Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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