I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
