How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
