I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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