i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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