Your face is a jimmy john
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
