Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
