Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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