dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
