Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
