The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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