do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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