I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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