no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Randomize