We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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