I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
