Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
