Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
