It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
