awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Your cock deserves a montage
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
