If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
