I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
