its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
