Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
