sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
