I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
