I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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