based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
