Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
