I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
