I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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