Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize