Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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