We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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