I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Acid is not a monday night drug
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
