what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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