I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
