just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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