Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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