I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
