you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
