If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
