I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
