forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
