so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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