I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
