i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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