I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize