my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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