Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
