Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
