I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
