I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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