9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
