I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize