Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
