why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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