I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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