I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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