Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
